15 Sept 2011
I am thinking negative thoughts.
Big surprise that I’m feeling negative feelings.
I believe IN Heavenly Father and Jesus. I trust that negative consequences will come from missteps and transgressions, but I don’t really truly believe that positive consequences will come from wise, faithful actions.
I mean, I’m not super negative about the whole universe, but I’m being pitiable and downright lame about myself.
Being lame is lame. It’s not what God wants for me. It’s not what anybody wants for me. And it’s the best way to guarantee my being the least useful possible to any and everyone else.
I’m making impulsive decisions which, if they’re not ruining my life, are making it more tangled and painful.
I’m letting stress rule me.
I’m letting fear intimidate the shit out of me.
I’m fighting cynicism in most of the right ways, but secretly giving into it in a few internal ways. The terrorists risk winning, here.
I am overwhelmed because of pride and ambition, and I’m trying to fight it with pride minus ambition. How much offing sense does that make? What a dummy.
I am trying to carry all the groceries in from the car at once, instead of making two or three trips. The zillion plastic bag “handles” are cutting off my circulation like a gangster assassin with a piano cord. The peanut butter just dropped. No big deal, right? Plastic jar: we’re still cool. Get it when you come out to bring in the mail – WHICH IS A SECOND TRIP ANYWAY. Dammit. What is the point of this? Oh yeah, my weird misappropriated prideful altruistic worldsaving self-tripping ambition. Oh dammitdammitdammitthesaladdressing. The nice salad dressing with that organic kéfir shit that I rationalized was worth buying because the glass container meant it was more artisanal and even if the calories are the same it’s better for you to eat something with some soul and that’s worth paying 40% more, because really $3.99 isn’t so bad for something that’ll last at least a week, probably two or three because you’ll forget it’s in there until you notice it again and, well, anyway, it’s niagarafallsing its way down the front steps, and don’t let the cat lick at the broken glass because that’d be inhumane, right? It doesn’t realize, but you know better.
How come you know better for the cat but not for yourself? It’s the same damned thing, in the end. “Drrdrrdrr, I’m John, salad dressing and broken glass, it’ll be fine, drrrdrrdrr…” Idiot.
I mean I’m not an idiot. But I am. I’m smart enough to realize how dumb I can be.
Anyway, I like myself. I actually like myself a lot. I like the music I write, I like the stories and jokes and drawings I do. I like my general outlook on life, my attitude toward humanity, my interpretation of the universe and morality and religion and all that stuff. I’m very comfortable and impressed with myself in what is, I think, a pretty healthy way.
Yet I am being self-protective as hell because I am stuck pessimistic rut where I’m literally half-convinced that I will not be hired to do anything even remotely related to my interests or talents, and that whatever jobs I will get will leave me too spent and distracted to create opportunities for my talents to take off.
Dumb, huh? What’s the point of even living with that mentality? It contradicts everything I subscribe to and preach, for one thing. Second, it’s illogical. It’s basic statistics – which, by the way, is the only damned thing keeping me from graduating and having that overfed, imperious monkey off my curbed back!!!!!! Odds are that, whether I get all famous and rich and stuff, I’ll AT LEAST be able to make a living being my best self and doing what I do. Worst-case scenario, it takes a decade or two of paying dues before I really get to be full-time or have any recognition.
Well, what am I whining for? That’d still be great! I don’t have a need to be rich, nor famous. All I need is to produce and be satisfied with the product. I’ll know when it’s good. Other people, in whatever numbers, may or may not recognize the worth of my products. Up to them. If they do, I’ll be honored. If millions of them do and they pay me dollars for it, that’s super neat and I’ll have a really nice bathtub and fresh, high-quality socks for life or whatever.
The point is that I can do it, and I will do it if only I’ll do it. Be patient. I mean, don’t be patient – get the hell on it. Get going. Get it done. But also be patient. It took all the masters years – multiple years. Many multiple years for most. So if you want to be a master, just keep the hell at it. Go go go. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself. If you do, you’ll still get there, but you’ll have wasted time and energy you could have spent being happy and enjoying the moments and people along the way.
Whoever you date and don’t marry will be okay. You’re a nice guy, so you’ll give more than you take and they’ll walk away from it having gained something good. Whoever you marry will be okay, because you’ll be a nice guy and try to give more than you take, so even if she messes up, herself, and it ends in another divorce, you’ll still have done right by her, and that’ll give you the clearance to go on being okay. And in all likelihood, lighting won’t strike your poor dramatic ass twice and you’ll end up with someone both awesome AND healthy, and you’ll stay together and it will rule. It will just rock the shit out of the concept of happiness. Be patient.
You might have to wait a few years. You might have to date for long periods a few times or even be engaged a couple of times and break it off when it doesn’t feel right. You might break or at least crack a few hearts. Don’t get too self-conscious about that. You’ll never do that on purpose. You’ll do your best not to. You’ll do your best to help with the cleanup and repair to whatever extent it’s appropriate for you to try. And you’ll back off and let some other nice guy come in and kiss her better when that’s the best thing for you to do. Just listen. Listen to yourself. Listen to God speak subwoofing peaceful words straight into your chest. Do your best to do what’s right.
Don’t let the sound of beating yourself up, of your own fists’ blows falling on your own ears, drown out inspiration.
Don’t refrain from doing bad or less-good things because they’ll get you in trouble or rack up a debt, refrain from doing bad or less-good things because they’ll hamper and damn you; they’ll distract you from the good and even-better things you could be doing.
And when you’ve done bad or less-good things, get the fuck back on that horse and catch up to the sunset. Don’t waste time whining. Don’t waste time apologizing to the horse or the horse’s owner. The horse gets it. the horse forgives you. the horse just wants to run around and be awesome so cram in and get on and let’s go.
It’s going to be awesome, you magnificent self-conscious bastard. It’s going to be awesome. Even if it’s not incredible, it’ll be awesome. It’ll be awesome because, even though you’re an idiot and a fuckup and a weakling, you’ll still do it and do it pretty danged well. And that’s awesome.
You’re going to win. You’re going to win because we CAN all be winners. The game is rigged in that it’s up to us. The universe likes us when we try hard to be good. God likes us when we try hard to be good. Even though our environment can be harsh and brutal and unforgiving, it’s also somehow simultaneously the perfect picture of beautiful mercy. The Earth wants us to be happy and okay. Our Father Who Art In Heaven for damned sure wants us to be happy and okay – that’s His whole point. After all, He gets it. So does Jesus. Anything you’re worried about and anything you’re flat-out jazzed about – they get it. They’re with you. They were just like you, and you can be just like them. That’s what your nice little books and your special underwear and your clean buildings and your this and your that and all your everything is all trying to get you to acknowledge and accept.
So get your homework done.
Eat a few fewer peanut butter cups tomorrow than you did today and go ahead and give yourself some credit for it.
Do a little cardio.
Chill out.
Control yourself. Self-confidence and self-control may well be closer to godliness than is cleanliness.
Maybe drop this and focus on helping somebody else out, for a change. No shortage of people who could use a hand, some attention. That might just be a win-win situation, a shortcut to realizing that you’re really okay.
Yeah? Yeah. Be happy.
Yay.
Amen.
…
..
.
Yaymen?
Heh.
[Artwork used without even asking for permission at all from Maddison Colvin. thepoindextress.blogspot.com]
