“Try Again” – Big Star
So… this week: Got the car painted. Did some stand-up. Danced at a karaoke party. Didn’t kill myself. Yeah.
For a week which began with Valentine’s Day and ended with one of my best friends’ weddings and then this “memorial day”… I have, I think, maintained a pretty good sense of optimism.
Two years ago, today, I went from the happiest moment of my life-to-that-date to one of the saddest and hardest, all in a matter of seconds. The shock of it reverberates in my skeleton to this day, but I look forward to fully overcoming it before long.
Got married the morning of February 20th, 2009. In the temple. For eternity. At least I thought that was the deal. I honestly made every effort I could to keep it an eternal thing. I tried. It still hurts when people out there suggest that I didn’t, but the facts show that I tried myself almost to death. And I’ll never regret trying.
But… just one person trying isn’t enough for that sort of thing.
Yaddayaddayadda… I wrote a bunch of details here, but they don’t feel so appropriate for a blog. I’ve already expressed most of those sentiments in previous posts, anyhow.
Long story short: today was a hard day to spend still sitting shiveh.
So. Here I am. A dead man with his whole life ahead of him.
Everything’s going to be much-more-than-fine. Things will work out well at least and terrifically great at best.
I’m still depressed. I still feel like shit. But optimistic shit.
Even when my life’s been at its very worst, it’s still been pretty great – and I am recognizant and grateful for that. And I’m currently almost free of the Worst phase and not really far at all from the Best Ever phase.
I’ll never speak ill of Margaret. I will always be her friend. But I am anxious to find someone who can be at least 101% of all the good things she was. It’s a tall order, but it can happen. I think I have faith that it will.
Sidney’s gone, but there’s a Hyrum out there somewhere. And you know what? Hyrum is better than Sidney. Hyrum will never leave you even when you try to push him away. Hyrum goes to jail with you and scrapes your tar and feathers off and gets shot alongside you because he’s not effing going anywhere because he’s awesome.
I recorded this tonight after having it stuck in my head for a few days. Big Star is awesome.
I think this will be about my last post on this effing depressing subject. Sometime soonish Mr. Courtclerkman will get off his butt and give me the official papers, at which point I’ll put the lyrics of a few songs that tell the story “in memoriam” and then I’mmmmmmmmmmmmdonewithit. Done with sitting shiveh.
Happy time. Very soon. Whew.
