Mt. Ste Victoire
JOURNAL 27 Feb 2011
[Some things going through my head as I sit here, wearing my suit, slumped in a chair in a loungey area on the 4th floor of the Effsmith... ]
- I can’t help but frequently stop and stare at and take photos of and want to paint pictures of Squaw Peak, especially during the various stages of the afternoon and evening as the light shifts and brings new character to the crags and faces. It is my Mont Ste. Victoire, even though I am not Cézanne.
- Bishop confirmed/reminded me that temple recommend Qs are “Are you truly striving?”, not “Are you stumbleless?”.
- Thinking on the recent revival of cruelties at the hands of abusive people, I feel like sharing my understanding of the definition of abusive… ab-use… misuse… unrepentant misuse which doesn’t even promise to try to change
- I really feel like a widower more than divorcé… I watched that lucid, sympathetic person I loved so much and tried so hard to support die right in front of my eyes… I saw her suffocated by the cold, irrational and unsympathetic avatar that took her over… it honestly feels like the climax of a movie, where she’s dangling off a cliff or a bridge and I’m begging her to not let go of my hand… but she does, because climbing to safety is “too hard” and “not worth it”… except that, when she lets go, it’s me and the cliff and the whole solid world which rush away from her… I feel like I’m the one falling and falling into oblivion…
- at BYU I learned how to learn… became a relatively capable autodidact… not sure about which path to take next… much less which (or even IF) grad school… maybe a creator, maybe a facilitator and expounder and advocate…
- feel a little conflicted about my ponderous state… I hardly read anything, I hardly sit down and read whole books or watch whole films… I rarely get anything all the way DONE, either… instead I ponder… I take little bits and ponder them for relatively great stretches of time, analyzing them in their own right and then going through and cross-examining that little bit against all the other bits and chunks and mountains of facts and concepts I’ve already got stored up in my mind… In this way it takes me an hour to get through a page of something… It’s terribly inefficient, yet, in a way, it’s much more efficient than breezing somewhat superficially through a whole thing and having even less than a few bits of it stick…
